E.
all stories and essays by Sean Rein
My editor thankfully put up some fishing photos this summer and made it look like I was out fishing alot and didn't have time to write for him. To tell the truth, I was suffering from the worst case of writer's block in my life.
Nothing was coming to me and when that happens I turn to one of my writing friends for help, Tony Palermo. Tony writes for this same Web site under the title "Tip Tone Presents." We usually get together at a vegan restaurant and brainstorm ideas while chomping on tofu rolls and drinking green tea.
Okay, you caught me. We usually shoot the shit over 5 to 10 beers and when I make him laugh, I make a note and write about the best ideas. Here is a list from November 11th...
- Shemp was the best Stooge
- Entertaining young children with a breadstick and a washcloth
- I lost my +3 gravy ladle to a Shambling Mound
- Godzilla vs. Warren
Godzilla vs. Warren
Warren was a fat, little, 10-year-old boy who lived in Rosemount, Minnesota. He looked like one of the fat kids that Gary Larson always drew—even down to the glasses and the striped shirts.
Warren smelled terrible. The odor that followed him was a three-pronged thrust of B.O., Nacho Cheese Doritos, and poopy diaper smell. Nobody liked this smell, not even his own mother. His dog only followed him around because he ate so often and constantly spilled crumbs. Did I mention that Warren's dog Noodles was also fat?
Nobody liked Warren. He spent most of his time locked in his room playing video games and eating Doritos. When his eyes would hurt from staring at the television screen for hours on end, he would turn to his other passion, small electronics.
He had a work bench in his room and would solder together resistor arrays for hours on end with the soldering gun that his father stole from Honeywell. This gave Warren time to think and one day he had a great idea...a growth ray.
His mother was limiting his daily Dorito consumption and so he decided to build a machine to make his meager daily ration much bigger. This didn't take him long. He started with his broken Han Solo blaster pistol. This would make the device portable and easy to use.
He then reversed the polarity of a laser pointer and stuck it down the toy's gun barrel so it would actually emit a laser beam—unlike the real toy with its lame red bulb that lights up. He upped the power and beefed up the wiring to handle the larger voltage and also soldered in the capacitors from three old flash cameras. He was set.
He aimed the device at the one chip that he had left from his daily ration and pulled the trigger. He hadn't sighted in the gun, and the first beam missed the chip and hit a pair of dirty underwear in the corner of his room. Right before his eyes, his white undies and the skid mark inside swelled to three times their normal size.
His gun worked, but he needed to adjust the sights. One minute later, he was munching on a triangle Nacho Cheese Dorito the size of a Buick. For the first time in as long as he could remember, Warren felt truly happy. As he laid on his bed, munching on the cheesy and delightful chip, he began to think about the possible uses of his growth ray.
Warren could think of only one thing. He hated the current plot twist of Inu Yasha and wanted to make all of Japan pay for their heinous act of betrayal. He decided right there and then that he would make himself big, swim to Japan, and make them pay once and for all.
He waited until his parents were asleep that night before he stole a whole bag of Doritos from his mother's stockpile and grabbed the giant ray, a roll of duct tape, and a light jacket. Once he was outside, he used the duct tape to make backpack-style straps on the bag of Doritos, slung it over his back, and then turned the growth ray on himself.
Once he was 100 feet tall, he started walking west. He only traveled at night and was very careful not to step on anyone or cows. Warren loved cows.
It only took Warren five days to get to the west coast of the United States. When his supply of giant Doritos ran low, he would just zap the remaining ones until his knapsack was full again.
As he stared out at the Pacific Ocean, he realized that he hadn't planned out how he was going to get across the ocean. Warren was a clever lad and he soon built a raft out of an old plastic milk jug and made a sail out of an old beach towel. He then zapped the boat and made it big enough for him and his sack of Doritos and set off across the ocean.
By pure chance, Warren landed in Hawaii. He came ashore and found a luau in progress and found a Kalua Pig still on the spit in the fire. One zap with his gun and Warren was in hog heaven. He sat on the beach eating. The warm, tropical breeze soon made him very sleepy, so he laid down for a nap.
The frightened tourists quickly called the police. Deputy Oha had never seen anything like it. If he ever had to arrest someone for disorderly conduct, they would spend the night in jail. Warren, however, was too big to fit in his cruiser, let alone the tiny jail cell back at the station.
Oha called the Army.
By the time Warren set back out in his milk jug sail boat, the President of the United States was notified. On his desk there are three telephones. One is black and for normal phone calls. One is red and used to rain death down upon all of humanity. The third and last phone is green and only has one button on it. When the receiver is picked up and the button is pushed, it makes a direct phone call to the Prime Minister of Japan, Junichiro Koizumi.
By the time Warren washed up on the Eastern Shore of Okinawa, Godzilla was waiting for him. One shot from Godzilla's breath ray and Warren was dead.
The people of Japan like Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos.
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