Call Me E.

Call Me E.
all stories and essays by Sean Rein

Where's My Thank You?
As I have said before, I have a 13-year-old daughter. As a grown man, I cannot relate to some of her tastes. I remember eating tons of junk food and guzzling gallons of soda pop. She does that. I remember that my friends were more important than my parents were. She's got that one down. I also remember reading comic books and playing with Legos when I was that age. Girls are very different.

For starters, spending habits. This child that I live with will think nothing of spending $4 or $5 on a magazine so she can cut all the pictures out that she likes and glue them into a notebook that she will lose in two days and forget about.

This type of behavior just doesn't make sense to me. When I was that age, I never would have dreamed of taking a scissors to my copies of X-Men or Alpha Flight. I have several long boxes of comic books in pristine condition to prove it. I would read them (CAREFULLY!) and then immediately seal them into a Mylar bag to be opened again only for reference.

So here is the crux of my biscuit. My daughter's main passion is not ponies or boys. Oh, no. Her obsession is Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson. That's right, those annoying little blond twins from that Bob Sagat show, Full House. Well, these two clowns are 16 years old now and have their own clothing line, 600 posters, and one or two straight-to-video film projects per year. Why straight to video? Because they make more money that way.

In fact, as of January 2003. The little Olson Twins are worth $76 million. How do I know that? Well, I saved one issue of People from the scissors.

Seventy-six million dollars! That's a shitload of movies and other crappy merchandise. They even have a video game out for the PlayStation 2. The teenaged girl that lives in my house has that also.

All told, at least $500 has been spent out of my house on these two creepy blond freaks! My daughter has the PlayStation®2 game, eight posters, countless items from the Mary-Kate and Ashley clothing line, and at least 15 of those goddamned videotapes.

Where's my thank you, Mary-Kate and Ashley? I account for a small part of your vast and growing fortune. All I want is a goddamned thank you.

Is that too much to ask?