Call Me E.

Call Me E.
all stories and essays by Sean Rein

An Open Letter to the People of Germany

Dear People of Germany:

First, I would like to say that I love beer. I assume that you all do, too, because when I was on vacation in Florida, I spent some time in public swimming pools and saw many of your middle-aged males sporting Speedos with generous bellies hanging over them. I know that these gentlemen were German because they all invited me back to the Baden Baden with them. I had no idea what that meant, but I erred on the side of caution and did not go.

Anyway, I have a problem that I believe you can help me with.

I recently purchased a 1984 Volkswagen Golf. It had a vier-cylinder engine and a funf-speed transmission. I bought it from a gentleman on the side of the road near Nederland, Colorado for 200 dollars, American. It was an awfully strange transaction. He said his name was Willow and that he didn't need an automobile where he was going.

The fact that it had 223,000 miles on it did not concern me. The smell of the interior did—funky, smoky. It reminded me of how this guy I know, Larry, always smells. Larry is a forklift operator at the warehouse where I work.

A second problem I had with the Golf was that the seats were covered in duct tape. Willow said it came from the factory like that. I took him at his word and purchased more tape for some desperately needed patchwork.

The last draw came when I was driving home one night and the trans axel separated from the rest of the car while I was making a turn. I crashed into a stop sign and now owe the City of St. Paul $450 for a new sign. Not to mention the $110 in towing to Ace Auto Parts who then paid me $75 for the car as scrap.

I didn't know what to do until Larry told me that the Volkswagen was German for "People's Car." Then it hit me. The German people should help me with the cost of this poorly engineered automobile.

This will bring the people of your nation and myself square. I want $200 back for the faulty car, 79 cents for a car freshener, $1.79 for a roll of duct tape, and $35 for the tow (less the money I got from the salvage yard). I'll pick up the $450 for the stop sign because that one was my fault. I should not have kept buying Irish coffees during two-for-one that night.

That brings the total to $237.58. You can pay me in Marks or Euros or whatever you are using for currency these days. Your expedience in this matter would be greatly appreciated; I have my eye on a Fiat and cannot afford it without the money you owe.

Sincerely,

Sean P. Rein