Whale Time: Re: Avram

Re: Avram
Rio - Part 2

all stories and essays by Avram Klein

Niteroi Instead

My brother Noah went out with me one night even though he wasn't feeling well. There was this beautiful girl outside the club we went to. I gave her the same look I give all really hot girls I'd like to be dancing with and she and her friend started drinking at the same outdoor bar where we were at.

So when Noah said "Choa," I was just like, "Tu Tu Bane! Feliz Ano Novu!" to these two girls, and it was awesome.

They both spoke fluent English and one was from Spain and the other was from Niteroi, which is a city across the water from Rio.

The girl I was checking out was named Marina and she was a little younger, but cute, a straight-up gatina. We danced all night and watched the sunrise and then hung out for a couple of days in Niteroi. The crazy thing is though is that she invited me to Niteroi on the same day that Hoochie was going to be in Rio. And I was supposed to be in Rio to hang out with Hoochie and I wasn't.

I was going to head back to Rio that night to see her, but I ended up going to dance clubs and running red lights in Niteroi for three days and by the time I got in touch with Hoochie, she was already leaving early from Ilha Grande to go back to Sao Paulo.

On top of that, Marina does the same form of Capoeira as they teach on Ilha Grande, which is called Senzala. I went to one of the practices with Marina, and much to my surprise, they fight for real.

The teacher kicked me so hard while I was doing a foot sweep, I slid across the cement rubbing off some of my toe nails. After I split, there was a convention of the Senzala style Capoeira, and Marina met my friend Julio who teaches Capoeira on Ilha Grande.

Julio is friends with the girl I hooked up with named Dogama who looks like Halle Berry and lives on Ilha Grande and also does Senzala style Capoeira. So Julio told Marina, I think, that I hooked up with his friend. This made me look kind of cool because Julio is really cool and has a dreadlock mohawk and is awesome at Capoera.

We're friends because he was living in the campsite I stayed at on Ilha Grande when I first visited there. I was already going to Ilha Grande to visit Hoochie and was going to have to tell Dogama somehow that I only wanted to be friends.

Then if Julio came back and told Dogama that I was also seeing a girl from Capoeira up in Niteroi it would have been crazy because Hoochie speaks Portuguese so she may have been able to figure out that I was seeing one of Julio's friends in Niteroi as well as one of his friends on Ilha Grande.

Hoochie looks like the bad 007 girl from Goldeneye and Dogama looks like Halle Berry who is a 007 girl herself. And Marina kind of looks like Liv Tyler, which is kind of unrelated.

If I had been in Ilha Grande with Hoochie and this whole thing had hit the fan, it would have been like Three's Company with Capoeira black belts.

I had been drinking for a few nights. I drank so much that I was really hungover by 11 p.m. This usually happens to me on Thursdays. I go to the club and order a caparina thinking it is the same caparina I usually get, but it's not. When you're doing some quality partying like me and Ronnie Avram were doing in Lapa, listening to 15-year-old twins in corresponding outfits play guitar and rap in Portuguese, the caparinas you get are awesome.

Usually caparinas take about ten minutes to make as the bartender cuts a lime and throws the pieces in a tumbler with a bunch of sugar and then mashes it with the corroded end of a cut-off hand whisk and then adds ice and conshasa.

At the club, they throw sliced limes and sugar into the bottom of a glass and then fill the rest of the glass with alcohol. So what you're really getting is like five shots.

You sip the first sip and all you taste is bitter alcohol. After the third sip, you can no longer taste the drink. You begin to think it's a regular caparina, and so you just drink it down. You've just pounded five shots. But you're used to drinking caparinas, so you go get another and another. I got so drunk with Ronnie Avram, I was talking to this girl and I did a three-sixty dance move and fell on the ground. I didn't even put my hands out. I just fell like a sack of rocks.

It was early-80s night, which I like, but I was just wasted.

Back to Niteroi. I wanted to mention an old dating trick I did while I was staying with Marina's family. Marina lives with her younger sister and her mom, both of whom are very cool. They have this big, beautiful house to themselves and their backyard was full of giant weeds. So I did this trick I now call "weeding her garden."

When you weed a girl's garden, you go into her backyard with some clippers and cut down every single weed in her backyard, transforming it into an awesome place to hang out. Once you've done this, just say "you're welcome" and smile. If done correctly, you will then be cooked delicious breakfasts and dinners and live in complete luxury for the rest of your stay.

We had a nice time. She took me to an awesome beach up there called Dakachara, so I was pretty stoked.

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