Whale Time: Re: Avram

Re: Avram
Ever Learning

all stories and essays by Avram Klein

Bedside Kite

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and am exhausted. I'm waiting in the Rio bus station for the next four hours for a bus to Curitiba in the south. All of my shoes are wet from a rain storm in Buzios, and I'm trying not to get sick again.

I'm kind of delirious, but I have a few jokes. First is kind of about my health. A guy told me that my intestines are shot. He can tell because I have hard balls of fat that have developed around my pelvis. I've had one of these balls of fat on my knee since I was like fifteen, and he said they can be removed with surgery. A funny story about my intestines...

I ate a whole pizza after sitting on the beach in over 100-degree weather for two days. The next morning there was hot air coming out of my ass. The air was so hot, I tied a little kite to my bed. My ass was so hot, I was able to use the fluttering kite above my bed to send sonar into outerspace and track the commies.

Seriously, the air coming out of my ass was so hot that this other guy was telling me that you can melt tin and copper together to make a great metal. It's like gold and is called brass. I don't speak much of the local language so I thought he said you can melt tin and copper together and make gold with your ass.

My ass was so hot it was like a fire-eating dragon.

Then I went to the beach in Buzios and my back was really hot because I was sunburned from surfing without a shirt. This is when I learned the ancient Brazilian taboo of asking a girl to put suntan lotion on your back.

The first girl I asked to put suntan lotion on my back said, "I can't," and kept walking as I was handing out fabric softener. The second girl I asked walked by as if I were invisible, and I wondered if I had died and was a ghost.

That's when I realized, if you're in Brazil and you experience love at first sight and you're holding suntan lotion, throw it. Throw the suntan lotion into the ocean. Because of this, you may need to bring a dog with you to the beach who is able to fetch suntan lotion out of the water.

And also you may want to repeatedly throw the suntan lotion into the water, constantly scolding the dog each time it brings the lotion back, yelling, "I hate this lotion. Never bring this to me again!" so that girls know where your head is at.

After a few tosses, the dog's teeth should punture holes in the suntan lotion, and as the dog shakes the water off of himself, the lotion also should spray all over the place, all over your legs and stomach, giving your complaining an added fever which should definitely attract the attention of ladies, letting them know you would never ask them to lay hands on this disgusting cream.

I eventually asked an older man selling coconuts to put the suntan lotion on my back and he was like, "Oh, yeah, sure, of course," and he spread it on my back like a profesional and treated me like a king.

So there you have it. Culprit revealed.

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