New Diet

My editor paid me a compliment the other day. He saw this picture of me in front of the wookie display and told me I was a bastard for slimming down. He wanted to know what my secret was.

With all of the diets out there—South Beach, the L.A. Diet, the Atkins Diet, etc.—mine is a unique diet plan and I should patent it and write a book. My diet is called The Eat Less and
Exercise More Diet.

It's weird, isn't it? Everyone (fat) thinks that there is some big secret to losing weight, but there isn't. Just take Jim Palermo's advice: "Stop eatin' so much, ya fat pig." I have simply stopped eating crap like Doritos and ice cream, and I get my wide load to the gym three times a week.

Oh, I do a few other things in addition to that. Instead of grabbing that can of soda, I drink water. Instead of going home from work and drinking 3 to 6 beers (that's called a Wednesday), I drink gin and tonics every other day.

Hey! I didn't say that I became a monk. I still enjoy my alcohol. It's just that a gin and tonic has no carbs and fewer calories than a beer. Plus, I get vitamin C from the lime in the gin and tonic. That staves off the scurvy.

Want another tip? We older guys need to take in more fiber. In my warped mind, I figure if the food moves through the system faster, my fat-ass body has less time to absorb calories. Then I don't have to work out as much. Get it, more time to enjoy that cocktail on the patio.

Last but not least, let's talk about "ideal body weight." People, your weight is just a number. I went from 280 pounds down to about 250. Yes, I still feel like a beached whale, but I get compliments all the time about how good I look. Hey, even my stuck-up editor told me I look better.

I've toned up from the workouts, but I don't think that I will drop much below 250. Let's face it, muscle weighs more than fat. I'm fine with that. I'll take big and strong; 250 is just a number. I don't break benches in the park, and I don't need to buy a lawn chair with reinforced steel legs to support my bulk.

I'm fine with that.

So, hey, Lardo, give the Sean Rein, Eat Less, Work Out More, Gin & Tonic, Eat More Fiber and Drink More Water Diet a try. I can smell the book deal.