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Do You Remember When?

I don't bring you flowers anymore. I know. I used to write like every day, and then I just started to get weird and insular, amusing only myself—and infrequently at that.

So much has changed since those early days of this column, and I've touched on one big one in recent times: I'm happier. It always seems that the best artistic endeavors occur through a Gaussian blur of depression. Stand-up comics are funnier, actors and directors are sharper, and painters are downright brilliant.

Writing when you're happy makes for some serious Disneyfied production, and I've never been a fan of Mickey Mouse. Some of the bitches that come out of his club, on the other hand...

See, I used to write sentences like that last one all the time, but now they sometimes feel forced, and I sometimes wonder how they will be received. I'll try to stop worrying about that. I saw a comedian last week named Rich Vos. Funny effer, for certain. And totally brutal in the best kind of way. He asked one guy up front if his shorts came with a cock in his mouth. Of another gal, he said her young pussy was probably like a little clam shell and when you put your ear up to it, you could hear her mother's voice.

That's pretty fucked up. And. I. Loved. It.

Just total nonchalance in delivering language. Fuck 'em all, y'know? Some Geto Boys shit, right there. Cypress Hill. Dice Clay. Ying Yang Twins. Sam Kinnison. Quentin Tarantino. Pauline Réage. Vincent Gallo. Jenna Jameson. Howard Stern.

Okay, I'm not them and I don't want to be them, but I do admire their WTF attitude. Within reason. I try not to put other people down just for the sake of it. I won't fly off on a bawdy tirade without some sort of artistic merit behind it. Usually.

Anywho. I'm just saying. Thanks, Rich Vos. For buzzing my ears with level 5 spice. Thanks for trusting that I can handle it, like a good server at a Thai Restaurant who overlooks my abundant whiteness and gives me the fire I crave.

"California Soul"

The above anthem has been taking up a sizable chunk of my brain since the Dockers "Work. Weekend. Dress. Golf." ad campaign has been playing full steam around here. "California Soul" by Marlena Shaw is so freakin' awesome I could just spit. It's my current #1 (yes, I still keep track) and I play it all the time. Including right now.

I love my home and my hometown quite a bit these days. I love St. Paul. I love living in my childhood neighborhood again. It's all so familiar and oh, so unexpectedly different at the same time. I feel a sense of purpose raining all over me like Shake n' Bake that I haven't felt since my arrival in San Francisco in 2000, the featured city in the Dockers ad.

Sweeping camera zooms onto Market, the GG, and Marin, with a final pullaway from the ferry building toward the East Bay make me homesick for the place. I've been wanting to get my travel on of late, but SF is just a wee bit out of reach so I'm going to soak in the culture of another great city, Chicago, in the meantime. But I'm ready to go back to SF and see what kind of trouble I can stir up sometime very soon.

I once wrote a layman's tour guide to San Francisco for a colleague visiting from Michigan. I've been wanting to share it somewhere, and this seems like as good a place as any. I'd do up a Vallejo Tourist Guide, but I'm pissed off at that place right now. Vallejo straight declared bankruptcy last month. It was one of the most dysfunctional, mismanaged cities I'd ever been a part of (and that includes Milwaukee and Baltimore, people), and I shouldn't be shocked that it came to this.

An "Insider" Tourist Guide of SF from a Guy in MN
I lived in the Bay Area for six years. Loved it. Hated the cost. Hated the traffic. But I'd live there again under the right circumstances. I learned a few sweet things about The City (don't call it Frisco) that tourists might appreciate. Don't buy a book. They're not as fun to read as I am.

And here's an up-front tip for any city you go to. Maps are plentiful and free at both staffed tourism offices and rental car places. I tend to stop at one or the other before I explore any city, and I'm always thankful that I did. Usually you can learn a good portion of a city by studying a map while your travel partner takes a shower. You heard it here first!

Okay, on to the San Fransciso tourist's guide.

Alcatraz (duh!) - get the audio tour; it's worth the extra money.

Fisherman's Wharf: Sea lions, Pier 39, seafood, silver guys, dudes painting amazing pictures with spray paint and fire to a techno, boombox beat...you can't do SF without a visit here. If you do a lot of wandering around The Wharf, beware the guy hiding behind the tree branch.

Union Square: Shopping! Capitalism! City life! I think the visit to the Cheesecake Factory atop Macy's is worth it. You feel like you're somewhere special.

Ghirardelli Square: Mmmm, chocolate; beautiful architecture; great photo opportunities of the GG, Alcatraz, and The Bay. If you're interested in a stiff (as in whiskified), caffeinated drink, stop at Buena Vista for the world famous Irish coffee. You've never had anything like it, I promise you.

North Beach: Italian restaurants as far as the eyes can see; if you love garlic, try The Stinking Rose. Broadway and Columbus gets a little wild late at night, but you'll enjoy Columbus Ave. and perhaps some sidestreets around Jackson Square right up through the dinner hour. I think this is my favorite SF neighborhood.

Chinatown: One idea is to do this on the same day as Union Square; work your way to the Grant Street gate (photo op!) of Chinatown from Union Square and walk up the street for great window shopping and people watching.

Union Street (as opposed to Union Square): More shopping! this time of the boutique variety rather than the big name brands at Union Square.

Haight/Asbury: Kinda cool but you'll probably be underwhelmed. The actual corner features a Gap and a Ben & Jerry's—if that gives you any idea of what's happened to the area. This is a cool neighborhood for food. Kezar Pub on Stanyan features incredible buffalo wings and lots of sports TVs, but they don't take credit or debit cards. Magnolia is a cool brewpub. Cha Cha Cha is a "happenin'" Mexican restaurant. Proximity to Golden Gate Park is a plus.

Golden Gate Park: There's so much to do in here, it's crazy. One definite highlight is the Japanese Tea Garden. You won't see anything like this anywhere else in the country. Beautiful and unique flowers and trees. A simple, enjoyable, memorable experience.

Ocean Beach/Cliff House: The old Cliff House ain't what it used to be, but this is still one of the best places to get your ocean sunset in (if it's not foggy), get some good walking in, and maybe get some eats at one of the overpriced restaurants.

SOMA (South of Market): The Sony Metreon is just a fancy electronics-oriented mall, but SFMOMA and Yerba Buena Gardens are nearby. Go a little further south and you'll be in the cradle of the SF Giants civilization; the restaurants become more sports-oriented and the park itself is all wow on gameday.

Streetcars: Long waits and crowded during the heavy season, but the "F" line in the Wharf, on the Embarcadero, and on Market Street are still, in my mind, one of the easiest and best modes of transportation for tourists. It's certainly more friendly than the 15- or 30-Stockton routes (which both go through the heart of the city if you're into the whole immersion thing.

The Embarcadero: Lots of people stroll along it on a warm day; if it's cool when you visit, you may find it better to ride the "F" and marvel at its uniqueness from a window seat. The ferry building is a nice stop for coffee and light food shopping if you happen to be near it. The renovation has created a lively spot where once there was nothing for a former
boat commuter like me.

Crooked Street (Lombard): Take it or leave it; maybe worth a photo at the foot of the hill if you happen to be in the neighborhood; it is interesting, I'll say that much.

Cable Cars: Take 'em or leave 'em. Riding them isn't all that exciting and the lines can be long (maybe take a picture instead).

The Castro: Take it or leave it. Unique in its open gayness, but otherwise I find the restaurants underwhelming.

The Mission District: Take it or leave it. I know tons of people who swear by its nightlife and funky little burrito joints and sushi stops. If you want to go where the twentysomethings are loudest, ask around and you'll find a party in this realm. Cabbing back to the hotel from here should be mandatory.

Weather Hint: Pack a light but warm jacket or at the very least a sturdy sweater or sweatshirt. Unless you want to be one of the multitude of tourists who sport an "SF" jacket that screams "I came unprepared." You'll see plenty of them. SF can be chilly at night (and often during the day); it won't feel like Detroit, but it ain't LA.

Fun Hint: March to your own drum. San Francisco is often best enjoyed at random. Start with an idea and let your spirit move you. It's as great a city as you allow it to be.

If you decide to boat to somewhere other than Alcatraz, I would recommend the quaint and exclusive town of Tiburon. It's just close enough to SF, and it's just small enough to enjoy a walk through its historic setting, a good meal, a wine tasting, and an ice cream all within a couple-few hours. Many tourists like to cross the GG and go into Sausalito, but for my money, Tiburon is much better and not much farther.

Basically, you'll never do all of SF in the time you're there, but with these tips, you can sure take a big bite.